Monday, January 2, 2012

My Big FAT A**

There comes a point when you have to start getting up and doing something in your life that makes you feel good. AND, it doesn’t have to be a NEWS YEAR’S RESOLUTION.

I figure that day may come soon for me.

Seriously, is it because it’s the New Year and I am feeling like “ok, it’s time, get up off your fat ass and do something about that big behind?” Or… is it time to realize that my depression I’ve had since like about the time my mom retired needs to be addressed as just pure self-pity. Or…. It is that I am just lazy and I know it and I need something like a New Year’s resolution to motivate my life-size behind.

Regardless, I need to do something besides feeling sorry for myself, granted there are plenty of things to feel sorry about… my big ass, my bank account, my middle age, the frown lines on my forehead, the lack of my own SOB (significant other body) to help me out in my wallow of self-pity by buying me tons of chocolate and then lying to me later when I ask, “does this make my ass look too big?"

Thus, I’ve decided that this year will be the year of truthfulness; I’ll quit pussy-footing around and look in the mirror and face up to the facts. I am who I am, my ass is my great big ass, my words on this paper are my words and not something censored for fear of revealing too much of me.

The last day of the 2011 I mulled over the idea of writing my lists of everything I needed to let go of, you know, those things like my love of junk food, candy, over-spending, laying in bed watching TV for hours at a time, self-pity. WAIT A SECOND! Aren’t these all connected to the seven deadly sins? (BTW, All this self-reflection started with someone’s Facebook post about a burning bowl ceremony… thanks… not.)

Okay, so maybe my spiritual life hasn’t been the best in the past year and I need to evaluate this… No, this can’t be true, or can it? Since I am not a big church-goer I think it’s fair to say that being spiritual to me has a lot to do with me being in touch with myself, and my purposeful life. Now I am beginning to see the problem - I am out of touch with myself, thus my relationship with God has also suffered. I haven’t at all been truthful with myself so I’ve avoided my relationship with God.

Now I got it – This year I’ll let go and let God. I’ll be honest with myself, and take the moment to ask myself what would he want me to do, and why? Because really, I am pretty sure he doesn’t think I need junk food, more clothes, or a big fat ass. I think he wants me to feel good in my skin and living my purposeful life. So, now I guess I’ll do that “White Stone” ceremony so my intentions can be known. (…Thanks Facebook person.)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

In my World

At my computer I want to write
Standing near the front of stage I rock to the music
According to my job description I am a teacher
In spite of too many birthdays I am young at heart
Throughout my life I think I’ve try to be a good friend

Behind the curtains there is the window to my soul
Chasing dreams each night during my slumber
Among the lost and gone I seek some type of release
Because of him dying I struggled to find my way
As for today I breathe
Against all odds I am a survivor
Yet, underneath it all I still don’t know who I am right at this moment
Into the future is where I’ll still be learning to be real

Without a doubt - you think I am okay
Apart from me seeing your pain – you never see mine
Among the multitude of all others - you fail to see the unadulterated me
In spite of all this – you see me as a leader
Because behind your curtain I’ll help to unearth the genuine you

Monday, August 8, 2011



I like words
I want to lose weight
I wish I was a better writer
I like that MOST of the time when I set out to do something I DO IT!
I hate that I am lazy
I thought there would be more time with you my Braveheart
I dislike that we are no longer close middle girl
I need to do laundry
I kind of want a dog
I must exercise more
I would like to be more together as a person
I am grateful and blessed for my life
I require love
I crave chocolate sometimes
I am scared of snakes
I ought to organize my all my pictures
I should get off the computer
I can’t live without coffee
I aspire to live on the beach
I plan to found serenity and peace
I long for someone to give me a pedicure every week
I think it would be neat to have a personal chef
I believe we should celebrate each day
What’s your randomness?

8 August 2011

Friday, August 5, 2011

Fickle Fanny Annie

This poem is at least four or five years old, funny, yet poignant.

Fickle Fanny Annie

Fickle Fanny Annie ought to know her taste
of the kind of guy she wants to date,
She ought not get hooked by sweet smelling bait.

Not just another pretty face,
that she allows to second base.
She needs a man, who can put her in her place,

She needs to quit picking boys, who have issues,
when they feel misused.
Then maybe she can stop stocking up on the tissues.

It’s so sad to see big boys pout,
when she starts looking for an out.
Of course, she could just move south.

It isn’t really her err,
It is not even her burden to bear.
Big Boys should be men and maybe she’d care.

But still, more often than not she gets herself into pickles,
Because she ends up treating boys like they are nickels,
Question is, is she simply fickle?

Monday, August 1, 2011

No Regrets

No Regrets

No regrets is what you said
Like leaves falling
In the autumn breeze

From the games
Two lovers play

Warm gentle spring winds
Fall over me again
No regrets


Neither Here nor There

Between two homes
Subsists my heart.
In one I am with my love
The other I strain not to swear.


Sunday, July 31, 2011

No Silver Bullet

I made a statement to two of my girlfriends one night – people don’t need meds for depression, they need to look in the mirror and take a good hard look at themselves and get their shit together and do what they need to do. Then I saw the look on their faces and I realized both these women were or had taken meds for depression. Both began their responses about how the chemical imbalances in the brain cause the depression, blah, blah, blah. Being a compassionate and well at that moment red-faced person I am I responded accordingly, well maybe I did not know medically and I needed to research it better. So the next morning I did, here is the website I found:

So… in light of the following article, I rescind my statement that people don’t need a magic pill for severe depression. However; taking a good hard look in the mirror is still in order because a pill is NOT the silver bullet and it will not fix all that ails you. AND too many doctors are too quick to put too many people on antidepressants when therapy, exercise, or self-help strategies would work just as well or better—minus the side effects. I do know from personal experience that at times life will knock us around, and stress, depression, and anxiety can be overwhelming – the route of choosing to take a pill for SHORT TERM can be beneficial. However; given the side effects, a person must begin to take responsibility for one’s own well-being and move forward rather than remaining stagnate and wallowing in self-pity.

If you’re suffering from depression, antidepressant medication, used under the guidance of a mental health professional, may relieve some of your symptoms. But antidepressants aren’t a silver bullet for depression. Medication doesn’t cure the underlying problem and is rarely a long-term solution. Not only do antidepressants come with significant side effects and dangers, but recent studies have also raised questions about their effectiveness.
Learning the facts about antidepressants and weighing the benefits against the risks can help you make an informed and personal decision about whether medication is right for you.
How effective are antidepressants?
This information is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice. If you are taking an antidepressant, do not change your dosage without consulting your physician!
Most mental health experts agree that when depression is severe, medication can be helpful—even life-saving. However, research shows that antidepressants fall short for many people.
A major U.S. government study released in 2006 showed that fewer than 50 percent of people become symptom-free on antidepressants, even after trying two different medications. Furthermore, many who do respond to medication slip back into depression within a short while, despite sticking with drug treatment.
Other studies show that the benefits of depression medication have been exaggerated, with some researchers concluding that, when it comes to mild to moderate depression, antidepressants are only slightly more effective than placebos.
The bottom line
If you have severe depression that’s interfering with your ability to function, medication may be right for you. However, many people use antidepressants when therapy, exercise, or self-help strategies would work just as well or better—minus the side effects.
Therapy and self-help strategies can help you get to the bottom of your underlying issues and develop the tools to beat depression for good. So while drug treatment can be beneficial, it’s by no means the only answer. There are other effective treatment approaches that can be taken in addition to or instead of medications. It's up to you to evaluate your options and decide what's best for you.
Is depression caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain?
When it comes to depression, serotonin doesn’t tell the whole story
Experts agree that depression involves much more than just “bad” brain chemistry. Serotonin is just one of many factors that may play a role in the disorder.
New research points to other biological contributors to depression, including inflammation, elevated stress hormones, immune system suppression, abnormal activity in certain parts of the brain, nutritional deficiencies, and shrinking brain cells. And these are just the biological causes of depression.
Social and psychological factors—such as loneliness, lack of exercise, poor diet, and low self-esteem—also play an enormous role in depression.
You’ve seen it in television ads, read it in newspaper articles, maybe even heard it from your doctor: depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain that medication can correct. According to the chemical imbalance theory, low levels of the brain chemical serotonin lead to depression and depression medication works by bringing serotonin levels back to normal.
However, the truth is that researchers know very little about how antidepressants work. There is no test that can measure the amount of serotonin in the living brain—no way to even know what a low or normal level of serotonin is, let alone show that depression medication fixes these levels.
While antidepressant drugs such as Prozac increase serotonin levels in the brain, this doesn’t mean that depression is caused by a serotonin shortage. After all, aspirin may cure a headache, but it doesn’t mean that headaches are caused by an aspirin deficiency. Furthermore, many studies contradict the chemical imbalance theory of depression.
Experiments have shown that lowering people’s serotonin levels doesn’t always lower mood, nor does it worsen symptoms in people who are already depressed. And while antidepressants raise serotonin levels within hours, it takes weeks before medication is able to relieve depression. If low serotonin caused depression, there wouldn’t be this antidepressant medication lag.
Side effects of antidepressant medication
There are many different types of drugs used in the treatment of depression, including selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), atypical antidepressants, tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs), and monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs).
Side effects are common in all antidepressants. For many people, the side effects are serious enough to make them stop taking the medication.
Side effects of SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors)
The most widely prescribed antidepressants come from a class of medications known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). The SSRIs include well-known antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil.
The SSRIs act on a chemical in the brain called serotonin. Serotonin helps regulate mood, but it also plays a role in digestion, pain, sleep, mental clarity, and other bodily functions. As a result, the SSRI antidepressants cause a wide range of side effects, including:
§  Nausea
§  Insomnia
§  Anxiety
§  Restlessness
§  Decreased sex drive
§  Dizziness
§  Weight gain
§  Tremors
§  Sweating
§  Sleepiness or fatigue
§  Dry mouth
§  Diarrhea
§  Constipation
§  Headaches
While some side effects go away after the first few weeks of drug treatment, others persist and may even get worse.

The Well

It’s not that I don’t want another man in my life, I do, I really do; but never do they live up to my archetype man. Him; the model of which all man of the same type represent. Deceased; the love of my life. In actuality, he had flaws, lots of flaws, but now I’ll never know how it would have been with him as my life partner.  Sometimes I don’t know how to start again. Oh, I have danced, laughed, made love, and felt the butterflies in my stomach over the last twelve years since, but now and again it’s been a lonely road of ambiguity and sometimes wrong choices.
It's with that feeling of ambiguity that I’ll somehow make it through the winds of change in my life. Never truly having the certainty of believing in myself.  Never to somehow rise above my greatest challenges and leave behind where I have been. There are days I don’t want to leave behind where I’ve come from; I want to wallow in my loneliness and my heartaches. Yet the survivor in me wants to make myself better. To be a better caretaker of myself, a well-rounded person who is open to others.
Open—what a word. Sometimes I feel I am a little too open, airing my dirty laundry for everyone to see almost like a defense mechanism to push everyone away. Really, I know I need to be open to the idea of it being okay to be hurt again; because how do you start over if you hold yourself back?

The Well